Maddy Bug is here!

Madison Brielle arrived on March 23rd at 35 weeks exactly. She weighed 5lbs. 8oz. and was 18in. long. She was a little early so she has been in the NICU but is supposed to be coming home this weekend. She is so sweet and beautiful and perfect in every way. Her only issue has been a little bit of jaundice. So far she has only needed one day under the phototherapy lights but has been off for 2 days now and they are re-checking her levels over the next few days and then she can come home. I am on my phone but will post our birth story and tons of pictures when we are home!

I'm seriously freaking out a bit!

So... I'm getting more and more stressed by the day but my contractions seem to be slowing. I'm super happy about that but now I'm starting to think I'm going to be pregnant forever. The thought of being 40 weeks pregnant is scaring the hell out of me. My oldest was born at 39 weeks 3 days after 27 hours of labor because she was sunny side up. I was in so much pain from contractions right on top of each other AND back labor that if that happens again, I don't think I could go natural. Especially being exhausted like I was at 39 weeks. At 39 weeks, sleeping was just not happening. I literally got an hour a night! Being that pregnant and uncomfortable is scaring the hell out of me! I want a natural birth but at 39 or 40 weeks I feel I will be too dang tired to go natural. I KNOW the chances of me getting that far are VERY slim but I worry about everything under the sun and my mind is just racing with these thoughts. I seriously think my mind needs to just stop and take a break, take a breather and stop. But it won't listen to me!

I just need to vent...

We are staying with my grandma because we are moving and our place isn't quite ready to be moved into yet. (It SHOULD be ready by March 20th) Well I'm seriously about to lose it with her. All she does all day long is whine, bitch, moan and complain... Literally ALL DAY LONG! She give my oldest daughter special treatment and just ignores my other girls. Chris was making some dinner and my oldest is picky as hell (she lived with her father for awhile (my ex husband) and she always got her way) and so she won't even touch what we've made. Well I'm not about to cook two separate meals just because she doesn't even want to try her food. I told her she can have a bowl of cereal but I want her to at least TRY the food. She refuses and so my grandma starts making her chicken nuggets and basically tells her it's ok not to listen to me! UM HELLO?! I'm her MOTHER! On top of that my 19 year old drug addicted sister got kicked out of my mom's in Texas and so she's here too, sleeping on the couch. It doesn't matter that she has drugs laying around for my kids to just grab up! She's always been coddled by my grandma, ALWAYS! (My grandma raised us) She takes a shower and leaves her clothes and towels and bath mat down and the floor is soaked and my grandma just sits there and cleans it for her. But she just loses it when I forgot ONE TIME to pick the bath mat up off of the floor! My grandma also does all of her laundry and cleans the bedding off the couch. And my sister is sleeping at like 9:30pm every night and we go to bed at 11, sometimes midnight. Well since my sister is sleeping (probably passed out drunk) and we have to be church mice, can't do a damn thing and God forbid my 14 month old wakes up in the middle of the night. All hell breaks lose! I couldn't even make a bowl of popcorn because it would wake my sister up! I can't believe that anyone could have a family like this. I feel bad for Chris having to be here at all, even HE wants to say something but doesn't want us to get kicked out. I would just straight call the cops on my sister for leaving drugs around but if I do that, we have no where to go. I don't even want to think of what I'll do if one of my kids find her drugs, I don't think a dozen people are going to be able to pull me off of her. I am just so fed up and so done with my family. Chris is SO helpful here, always asking if he can do anything to help anyone, he goes out and rakes the leaves and mowes the yard so they don't have to. He cleans like crazy... Everything! And my grandma is SO rude to him that I can't even believe it. She talks down to him all the time and is always telling him off. I can't wait to get out of here, into our own place and seriously cut off all ties. I have seriously never seen such a horrid family. We went and visited Chris's family and they are all so nice, loving, helpful, caring... A REAL family. Mine just embarrass me and I am so much better without ANY of them!

On top of everything, with all this stress, I'm having a TON more contractions and I'm seriously just kissing the hopes of a full term baby goodbye.

32 weeks today - Not as happy as I thought I would be...

I am 32 weeks today and I just want this day to be over, I want to sleep right through it... It's really a taboo-deja vu day for me. 32 weeks on the dot is when I had my last baby... My 3lb. 6oz. little kitten (she was so tiny and her cries sounded like nothing more than a baby kitten crying)! I want this day to not exist, not be spoken of, just disappear! It's like everything is working against me keeping this baby in today... THIS is the ONE DAY that my grandma and I get into so bad we are screaming at each other, this is the day that my children are being so stubborn and awnry that I'm having to get out of bed to deal with them because they won't listen to my husband who is trying to deal with our 14 month old... I just want to sail smoothy through the rest of the day and have it be tomorrow already, one day further than I went in my last pregnancy! But now my midwife says it the REAL countdown, now Maddy can come at any point and we HAVE to be ready. How can you prepare to have another preemie?! HOW?! The thought of having another baby in the NICU is too painful to think about, I don't know if I will be as strong this time as I was with Sophie. Sophie was there for JUST under a month and that really took a toll on me, emotionally and physically. Now that this day is here, I'm already contracting, dilated and effacing... More pressure "down there" by the day from my growing girl and her growing noggin... I'm scared shitless! Two days ago is the day my water broke with Sophie and I was so excited to be past that and now this day is here and I'm so afraid for each coming day wondering, "Could this be the day?"

Just 3-4 more weeks and we are able to safely have our baby and she will probably be able to come home with us... Never has 3-4 more weeks seemed so far away until now.

Appointment Update!

So my appointment went... okay. My cervix is measuring 1.7cm which is quite a ways down from 2.4cm last week. My midwife decided to check me to see if I was dilated (I was closed when I left the hospital) and I'm a lose 1cm dilated (and her little noggin was right there!), 50% effaced and Maddy is at a -1 station. They aren't going to admit me to the hospital until there's a bigger change though so I am home (and very happy about that!). She thinks Maddy will be here in about 3 and a half weeks (I'll be 35 weeks then!) but doesn't see me going past 36. Hopefully we make it that long! They aren't doing anymore cervical length ultrasounds because I'm at the point in my pregnancy where you start to thin out anyways so they don't think anymore would really be that reliable as to what is really going on.

I have two big milestones this week alone! My first is tomorrow. Tomorrow is the point in my last pregnancy that my water broke! My next milestone is 32 weeks, which is Friday. 32 weeks exactly is when I had my last baby! It looks like we are going to sail right past those milestones thank goodness! We added a new milestone (well the doctors at the hospital did) and that is 34 weeks, then my 35 week milestone (when I had my 4 year old) and then we hit our 36 week milestone (again another doctor milestone), and then we are full term! I can't believe that we could have her in as soon as 3 and a half weeks! That is SO crazy! I can't believe I will be 35/35 that soon! WOW!

The other day we took all of Maddy's clothing out of the shipping packages and cut all the tags off... Took the swaddles out of their boxes and everything is ready for a good washing. I'm not sure WHEN to start washing though!I don't want to do it too soon but I don't want to put it off another few weeks and then go into labor with nothing washed. We only have a few more purchases that need to be done and they are a diaper bag, bassinet, more diapers, some more hats and socks, bibs, nursing sleep bra, and breast pads. Not a big list at all! We are still deciding on which diaper bag to get from Diapers.com but we decided on the bassinet we want. We are ordering from Diapers.com because I have $20 in credits to use. So when we figure out which diaper bag we are ordering it with the bassinet for free 2 day shipping and what not. ANYWAYS! Here's a pic of the bassinet we are getting!

We are home!

Due to my insurance not wanting to pay for my stay, we came home two days ago and let me tell you, it's been hell! The hospital is just awaiting my return! On Monday my cervical length showed that my cervix was 2.4cm which is .2cm up from my 2.2cm a week and a half before. My insurance thinks that's a great difference and declined payment for my stay. Good news is that Maddy's growth ultrasound showed she gained a whole pound in a week and a half! She weighs about 3lbs. 8oz.! My midwife and all the doctors at the hospital were sure that sending me home will just cause me to have more contractions because of the older girls and us being in a stressful situation with my grandparents and what not. Well, they were right!

I was up until 7am last night/this morning with contractions. Nothing regular but bad enough where I couldn't sleep and had to get out of bed like 30 times and try to relieve some pain by moving just a bit. At around 7am they slowed down a bit and weren't as intense so I was able to get some sleep. Still having a few an hour but they aren't half as bad as last night. I'm thinking I'll be going back to the hospital within the next day or two but don't want to go too soon because if I'm not changed much they won't keep me. I'm kind of at a point where I don't know WHEN to go in because I don't want to go in too soon but at the same time, I REALLY don't want to go too late to where they can't stop my contractions or a baby is on her way out! I'm hoping to wait until my cervical length ultrasound and midwife appointment on Tuesday but after last night I'm not totally sure that will happen.

We are still here!

still at the hospital, still pregnant, THANK GOD! Almost two weeks ago my cervical length scan showed that my cervix wasn't at 1.2cm anymore, it was at 2.2cm! Maddy's growth ultrasound showed that she weighed about 2lbs. 8oz. but was breach. Had a hard night last night... I had a severe headache, blurry vision, and severe cramping but my blood pressure was perfect. Madison's heart rate was in the 170s-190s for almost an hour too which REALLY scared me. They did an ultrasound today to make sure that she was doing ok and they checked several things (fluid, breathing, movement, cord, hands opening and closing, etc.). She passed EVERYTHING! Score was 8/8! It was so cute! She was practicing her breathing the WHOLE ultrasound and we got a little glimpse of her face (Chris took a pic with his phone) and she was moving her lips around and opening and closing her mouth. She looked SO beautiful! So of course, I'm showing her off!