Friday, March 2, 2012

32 weeks today - Not as happy as I thought I would be...

I am 32 weeks today and I just want this day to be over, I want to sleep right through it... It's really a taboo-deja vu day for me. 32 weeks on the dot is when I had my last baby... My 3lb. 6oz. little kitten (she was so tiny and her cries sounded like nothing more than a baby kitten crying)! I want this day to not exist, not be spoken of, just disappear! It's like everything is working against me keeping this baby in today... THIS is the ONE DAY that my grandma and I get into so bad we are screaming at each other, this is the day that my children are being so stubborn and awnry that I'm having to get out of bed to deal with them because they won't listen to my husband who is trying to deal with our 14 month old... I just want to sail smoothy through the rest of the day and have it be tomorrow already, one day further than I went in my last pregnancy! But now my midwife says it the REAL countdown, now Maddy can come at any point and we HAVE to be ready. How can you prepare to have another preemie?! HOW?! The thought of having another baby in the NICU is too painful to think about, I don't know if I will be as strong this time as I was with Sophie. Sophie was there for JUST under a month and that really took a toll on me, emotionally and physically. Now that this day is here, I'm already contracting, dilated and effacing... More pressure "down there" by the day from my growing girl and her growing noggin... I'm scared shitless! Two days ago is the day my water broke with Sophie and I was so excited to be past that and now this day is here and I'm so afraid for each coming day wondering, "Could this be the day?"

Just 3-4 more weeks and we are able to safely have our baby and she will probably be able to come home with us... Never has 3-4 more weeks seemed so far away until now.

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