Update on my crazy life!

Well we just couldn't take it anymore... They ended up wanting us to pay ALL of the bills INCLUDING three months of their past due. It would be cheaper to have our own place and pay the bills than to pay all of theirs so we just up and left. A lot less stress now. We are staying with my grandparent's and it will be nice to be with family during the holidays.

I do have good news though! My Lexie is home!!!!!!!!! Her dad brought her to Idaho to his mom's because his girlfriend has a felony first degree burglary warrant. She is now safe with her mommy and sisters! It's been difficult to adjust because when she was with her dad, he didn't discipline her AT ALL. She doesn't listen, she cries if she doesn't get her way (which is a lot), it takes her 2 hours to actually fall asleep... After she's FINALLY asleep she wakes up and wants in bed with us... Well there's just not enough room for Chris, her, me and my belly! So she freaks out about that and wakes the other kids up. It's definitely some getting used to and trying to change her routine of things. But things are improving slowly. 

We got Madison's Chicco Keyfit 30 car seat. Decided against the whole travel system because we've never used them in the past. Now we're just waiting on her car seat cover to arrive. We also got her a baby bath which is super cute.

We are very ready for Christmas... Gifts are all bought and neatly wrapped under the tree. I'm so excited to have all my girlies with me for Christmas. Last Christmas Sophie was still in the NICU and now I have all three of them home with us like they should be. Will be posting pics of Christmas soon after. Here is the car seat cover we ordered for Madison at the beginning of December. I'm absolutely in love with it!

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why Can't Things Go Right.... Just Once!

Well I wanted to clear a few things up from my last post and give an update... We are staying with friends right now and we consider ourselves and they consider us, roommates. We don't have a signed agreement or anything because right after we got here, with in a few days they left to visit relatives out of state. We were going to make a lease and sign it when they returned and thought nothing else of it.

Well here's the update... They bumped everything up as you know and today added some other things to the mix... Firstly they are having their mom and sister come back up with them and to stay for two weeks.and they are moving us (my husband, our two children [with a playpen and toddler bed] and myself) to the small room that my girls are currently sharing and barely fit it, while two adults share a HUGE bedroom. This is an issue because we'll be sleeping on an air mattress that has a small pinprick hole (hello! pregnant woman with a bad back!) and we won't have the bathroom that was connected to the room we were in... Another issue is that my girls barely fit in the room let alone a queen sized air mattress on top of that! And Soph still wakes up several times a night for a bottle (given her being a preemie and VERY petite even for her preemie age, doc wants us to keep giving her formula at night to help her grow) and I'm up about 4 times a night to use the bathroom myself.  On top of that, ALL  of our stuff is in there... All of it! The bathroom is full of baby bath toys and all of our bathroom stuff (which is quite a lot) and we need to take it all out for their family. I understand them wanting to have the family, "guests" have their own bathroom.. I really do. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but I'm just completely shocked that none of this came up until now.

And here's the second "something" they are adding....... We have to pay their PAST BILLS from before we were even here! All of their bills are pat due and they want us to pay half! Plus we paid their whole cable and net bill last month. For it to stay on (and for my husband to be able to put job apps in) we'll probably have to pay the whole thing this month. Thankfully we can support our girls (barely, they need some new clothes and things because they are growing and we haven't been able to buy them yet).. But they have their necessities such as food, diapers for the baby, things like that... So they are taken care of for the most part but I'm worrying about the new baby... How are we going to get everything we need for her when we have more bills than we'd have in a place of our own??? I'm so stressed out right now I can't see straight. I started having contractions really bad and went to the hospital. Fortunately baby is ok and the contractions stopped but not before I had some "funneling" in my cervix. Apparently I'm dialated at the bottom of my cervix but it funnels closed at the top. 

I try my darnedest to be such a good person... I do the best I can, I'm a good mother, wife... I don't do anything bad.... Why can't things just go right for a change? Sorry for the vent... I'm just exhausted and frustrated and scared right now.

Oh almost forgot to add... Chey is staying at my grandma's while our roommate's relatives are in town because I have a feeling I'm not going to be in a great state of mind at this time and don't want her to see me this upset... Of course I'm going to see her every other day and she will be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with her but I don't want her to see me this upset... And I'm very upset. I've been crying off and on all day and that is not good for her. She needs a good positive environment and I'm sure she'll love spending time with her grandma.

No, no, no, no, NO!

We're staying with friends as I've mentioned in previous posts... Well they just texted us (they are out of town for the holidays right now) and doubled what we're supposed to pay for everything a month... DOUBLED IT! We figured it out and we are going to put literally every last cent we get a month into everything. I'm freaking out! What do we do?! This wasn't the plan and this wasn't what we had all agreed upon when we moved in. We will probably just have enough for diapers for Sophie and some money for gas to make it to my appointments... That's it. How are we supposed to afford a thing for the new baby?! We only have a few things for the baby... Her crib stuff is on LAYAWAY! With doubling what we have to pay, we won't be able to get the stuff out of layaway and we lose most of the money we have down on it if not all of the money. If we don't pay the doubled amount, we have no where to go... I don't even know what to do right now.. I'm freaking out so bad that I can't even cry but boy do I want to.

Gingerbread Houses!!!!!

Yes we did them.... We did NOT finish.... It was a complete and utter failure. We bought four different kits. A house, a town house, a mini village and a train. Chris and I decided to put them together and leave them around as little decorations. We did it while girls were sleeping because we know that would have been a mess. Well, I think it would have been LESS a mess with Cheyanne doing them! We suck at decorating! Like completely fail! I ended up getting mad at the dumb thing and just smushing candy into the roof and Chris... Well I told him JOKINGLY to smash it.... Well he did. Gingerbread flew EVERYWHERE! It's a huge mess... Candy icing, gingerbread everywhere... Fortunately he's cleaning it up while I relax. BIG MESS! Thank goodness we only opened one of the kits, the others will be going back to the store! I was tons of fun though, I laughed so hard throughout the whole process I about peed myself!

Better!

Things have been SO much better. I completely lost it on Chris and I think he finally "heard" me... He hasn't touched the damn video games and is helping A LOT more... Well really, he's not letting me lift a finger. I haven't even had to cook dinner since! He's been cooking and cleaning, letting me sleep in, and helping with the kids! The sleeping in is nice because I only get 1-2 hours of sleep at night. I have horrid insomnia with this pregnancy and when I CAN sleep I'm waking up to switch positions. Pain in the rear, literally! 

Sophie's 1st birthday is coming up and I can't be more excited for my baby! It's crazy to me that in 6 days she will be one year old! We ordered her a cake and got her a few presents, nothing overboard because she's only 1 and Christmas is coming up. We're having a little birthday party on the 7th, her birthday... Nothing too big, just a few family. I'm so excited, I can't wait! Makes me want to cry at the same time though, she doesn't even look like a 1 year old, she looks like a baby! I think that's due to her being premature though. I will definitely post pics!

Just Done!

i am so done with everything right now. i completely broke down last night... told my husband i just done with it all and even him. i told him everything on my mind, i woke up today and theyre back at video games. he told me last night we would see if we could borrow the car to go to babies r us for the baby and he hasnt even asked. now theyre outside putting up lights because there wass a pause in the snow and then theyre probably going back to the damn video games. im stuck with my kids and our friends son in the houses and im not supposed to be running after kids. im just stressed out and done with it all. im trying my hardest to hold back tears but its near impossible. i am so upset with chris that i could scream. did i mention how left out i feel always having to be by myself??? they go to the store for a few hours every day while i sit on the couch doing absolutely nothing, they are all outside laughing and having a great time while im inside keeping kids out of stuff. i feel like my husband would rather i just not be around and that is not a good feeling. he doesnt even acknowledge me. i dont know how much more of this i can take.

So Emotional

due to some recent events we are staying with some friends for awhile. i can honestly say that since we have been here i have been so depressed, upset, and emotional. it doesnt help thatchris told me that we wouldnt play video games while the kids are up but thats what hess been doing all day long every day with my friends husband. im supposed to be on bedrest and thats near impossible when im running after kids and taking them up and down stairs. i had to go grocery shopping and had to go alone while chris played video games. soph is so heavy and i had to pack her car seat around everywhere and put her in the basket of the caart, have no room for groceries and the way they were bagged, they weighed about thirty pounds each. well im cramping and bleeding which ive done through out this pregnancy with stress and its so hard holding back tears. the boys went to hastings aand rented yet more games... i cant even look at chris or talk to him and i am just done with everything. we dont have a lot of money coming in right now and chris paid their net and cable bill so they could play xbox live. the only thing we bought for the baby was the fisher price sugar plum bouncer... thats all we have so far and im starting to wonder if we will have everything by the time she gets here... sorry about the gramical errors, im on my phone and for some reason its not letting me capitalize anything or put things the way they need to be.

It's a........

Baby Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Madison Brielle is going to be her name! We are SO excited!

Tomorrow!!!!!!

Tomorrow at noon is our elective ultrasound and I am SO excited! This day is just dragging on and on though. I think a long time has passed and it's only been 10 minutes! Trying to find a way to keep myself busy... So far, not working! It doesn't help that Soph is sleeping, Chey is resting, and daddy, well he's sleeping too! So I'm the ONLY one awake and I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I mean the house can only be so clean! Maybe I'll fix a big dinner tonight! Hah!

On top of that I woke up this morning at about 4:45am and I felt SO sick! I had to run to the bathroom but thankfully didn't throw up. Still a bit nauseous now but too anxious to actually rest a bit.

Chris was so sweet last night... I can't reach my legs to shave them so he helped me and then rubbed my legs and feet with lotion. It was so nice to have a foot massage.... Ahhhhhh, heaven!

4 days!

OMG only FOUR days until we know what baby is! I am so excited I can't even see straight! I just hope everyone is well! Chey has thrown up the last two nights, only at night and it's a few times a night. I think her body is trying to clear out all the mucus from her being sick. She's fine during the day, she can keep everything down. Just as a precaution we are keeping her away from Sophie and Chris insists that she stay away from me too but that's a little hard as I am mom. I have felt really sick today but I think it's because I haven't eaten too much today. Nothing sounds appetizing and I want something then change my mind right before I make it. I REALLY want McDonald's but that's a no go... I ate McDonald's twice last week and felt so bad because of how greasy the food is.. I know it's not the best for the baby OR me... And on top of that I've cut soda completely out of my diet except if we get fast food or go out and I feel guilty about that too. I completely forget about the soda until it's halfway gone. I don't even realize what I'm doing, I guess habit. Trying to figure out tomorrow's dinner. Chris is making stroganoff tonight (YUM!). It's an easy recipe, easy enough for the cooking illiterate husband of mine to follow anyways.. Although he hates sour cream so doesn't add much in, I will have to add about a half a cup to mine as I LOVE it!

Soon soon!

My allergies have been kicking my butt the last week or so. Other than that I've just been stressed. Due to recent family events, I will not be spending the holidays with my family and that scares the hell out of me. I've never had a Thanksgiving or Christmas without them. I'm not sure what to think about it... I'm hurt, I'm scared, I don't know what we're going to do on the holidays.... I like to have things planned out and this is NOT my planning!

On the brighter side of things, we are finding out what baby is on November 15th! We have a few names picked out but have to narrow them down and I'll reveal them as soon as we find out what baby is. I'm a little nervous as I will only be 16 weeks 4 days but I'm pretty sure they could tell right?! With Soph, at 15 weeks you could SO see her girly parts so I'm confident. We are going to Fetal Fotos and get this, I live in Idaho and Idaho is their MOST EXPENSIVE pricing out of all their franchise! We are paying $125 for a 2D Session which include still images, CD of the images and live video of baby. I'm so excited as my midwife doesn't do video. Other states close by, their prices for the same thing are $95 and under for the same thing! I couldn't believe it! I have to make a note to ask why haha

The girls are doing good... Just getting over allergies too. We had to keep Chey home from school for a whole dang week, she was very upset about that but too sick to be at school. Soph is pulling herself up now and she's so dang happy! She's such a little sweetie!

Just ugh...

That's how I feel. So sick and tired all the time... Nothing sounds appetizing and I'm hungry all the time it seems. All I want to do today is sleep and I can't do that. Had a wonderful day calling every dentist I could find hoping they take my insurance. After a few hours and actually scheduling Chey an appointment with my OLD pediatric dentist I found one fairly close to me which is nice because I live in a small town and didn't want to travel an hour to get to a dentist. Luckily they said they could get me in this Thursday! And they are happy I'm JUST in my second trimester because they don't work on patients in the first or third! So if I need something done (cavity filled, etc.) they have time to do it! YAY! Let's hope I can sit there an hour without wanting to puke all over the dentist now, that will be fun.

Yay Sophie!

This is going to be a short post.
It was so cute! Chris was clapping and Sophie started clapping to mimic him! We kept saying "YAY SOPHIE!" and she'd get all excited and happy and it was too cute!

Chey started school yesterday and she loved it! Didn't cry at all! Today was her first day riding the bus and she loved that too! She is getting so big and I am so proud of her!

Bought some earplugs and got a little more sleep last night. Didn't hear Chris snoring, didn't hear anything but the baby screaming through the monitor. A little weird to get used to but I love them! The only thing that really kept me awake was the tossing and turning and being uncomfortable.

Earplugs?! SOMETHING!

So I'm having a horrid time sleeping. I'm exhausted but can't sleep for the life of me. I'm so uncomfortable and I'm tossing and turning and Chris snores or breathes so heavily I can't get to sleep. I literally didn't sleep at all last night and I fear tonight will be the same. I can sleep just fine during the day but at night, forget it!

Had my NT scan yesterday and Sweet Pea is measuring right on his/her due date. Heart rate was 167BPM and Chey was in the room and got to see her little brother or sister. It was so cute, baby fell asleep and Chey started singing to wake baby up and the baby just started bouncing all over the place. The u/s tech asked if she could borrow Chey for all of her NT scans!

Why are Saturdays so boring?!

It's just a typical boring Saturday for me... Nothing going on, husband asleep in the recliner, Sophie is napping and Chey is playing outside. I have Chili in the crockpot since last night, I usually only have it in there about 2 hours but had an urge to stick it in over night and boy does it smell good.

Took a Gendermaker test this morning.... Said the baby is going to be a girl! Haha Chris loved that. He keeps telling me it could be wrong it could be wrong. Well after two girls, I have a feeling it may be right ;)

My Poor Sophie Doll!

So we were at the grocery store yesterday and Soph was in her carseat at the top of the cart and completely tipped it upside down into the basket! Scared the HELL out of me! Her nose was bleeding and her poor face looked horrible. Of course we rushed her to the ER where they told us that she was just fine thank God. I think we are definitely done with that carseat! Her face slammed right into the bars so she has this criss-cross looking bruises on her forehead, nose and chin. Poor little thing :(

Cheyanne (who's 3) got accepted into Headstart and starts next week. I think we are more excited than her! So we take her for a physical today and she will be getting a flu shot as will Sophie. It's unbelievable how fast they grow!

You may notice that I don't mention my oldest daughter Lexie (5) too much. That is because talking about her brings me to tears... My ex husband's mother had her one day and her father stopped by and took off with her. No clue where and his mother isn't talking. Apparently they had it planned for quite awhile. This happened September 12, right before she was supposed to start Headstart. I had her enrolled here for awhile and she went to see her grandma right before the start of school. Well she was due to come home and I called over there to find out my ex husband had run off with her. Well the police are involved but they don't have a clue as to where he is and as soon as they find him they are pressing parental kidnapping charges against him because he doesn't have any custody of her. I miss my baby so much! I cry for her every night and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. She turned 5 on October 11th and I just felt like staying in bed and bawling all day.... I hope soon they find my blondie girl, mama misses her SO much!

Mondday Night Dinner - Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo

Tonight I made a yummy dinner! Homemade Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo! This was my first time trying this recipe and it's definitely going in the book! It's just for the fettuccine but I added the chicken, probably also good with shrimp or veggies. So delicious! Enjoy!

Servings: 8

Ingredients:
24oz. Fettuccine Pasta
3/4 cup salted butter
3/4 pint heavy whipping cream
Salt and Pepper to your liking
2 garlic cloves; minced
3/4 grated Romano cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

OR instead of the Romano and Parmesan, I used a whole 5oz. container sold in the store of the Romano and Parmesan cheeses grated and blended.

Directions:
1. Bring a large pot of lightly slated water to a boil. Add fettuccine and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.

2. In a large saucepan, melt butter into cream over low heat. Add salt, pepper and garlic. Stir in cheese over medium heat until melted; this will thicken the sauce.

3. Add pasta to sauce. Use enough of the pasta so that all of the sauce is used and the pasta is thoroughly coated. Serve immediately.

Update!

Well a few nights after my last post I had a night terror of all night terrors. Sophie had woken up and was crying, she was in our room because we were visiting my grandparents for a few nights. Apparently that startled me awake and I woke up screaming bloody murder. Chris reached over to hold onto me and was screaming "Ashley, Ashley, wake up, it's ok, it's me!" All I head was my name and I honestly thought he was trying to kill me. He let me go to grab a flashlight he's been keeping by the bed and I bolted out the door, still screaming, to my grandparent's room. I ran into their room and started screaming "He's trying to kill me! Something's wrong with him!" My grandma runs out of the room to see what's wrong and out walks Chris with the baby. She asked what happened and he told her... That was a newsflash to me. I thought he grabbed me in my sleep and was trying to kill me! After that, I made an earlier appointment with my doctor and she prescribed me Ambien. I have been sleeping SO much better since then!

Oh and Sweet Pea is measuring right on track with my original due date of April 27th!

What a night!

Well yesterday Sophie had her shots. A total of three in the thighs and man was she mad. She was doing fine until about midnight then she woke up with a fever. We gave her some tylenol and cuddled her for a bit and put her back to bed... Well she fell back asleep until about 1:30 and from then on she was pretty much up! Sleep for 10 minutes and then scream, sleep and scream all night long! I was exhausted! We even tried putting her in bed with us but nope that didn't help either. From no sleep and being 8 weeks pregnant I was also feeling REALLY sick to my stomach and Chris told me to take a nap around 1:15pm... Well Sophie was asleep in our room in her playpen and I walked in and she was turned away from me on her stomach playing with some PJ's of hers she pulled down off the side of her playpen. I yelled "Chris" and she jumped and started screaming! I have never seen her so startled! I picked her up and tried to comfort her but she wasn't having it. It was so sad, she was crying so hard she was sighing! Chris took her and she settled down and then I held her while he was making her bottle and as soon as she landed in my arms she started screaming again. So he took her back and I made the bottle and I went to give it to her, she looked at me and started crying again! I felt so bad, I didn't mean to scare my baby! I took a nap for about 45 minutes and Chris came in because he needed to go get his license renewed before they closed and now baby's sleeping, big kids are gone, and mama is all alone..... Now what to do?! ;)

Nightmares?

Well every once in awhile I have these.... Nightmares... It's the only way I know how to describe them. Well this morning was one of those times. Now in the past when I've had one, I've always been alone in bed sleeping and it's always the same concept... Something (doll, demon, etc.) is chasing me. It's always something demonic and evil and as I try to get away, to make this thing go away I TRY to say "In Jesus' name go away!" except I can NEVER make out those words. I try over and over and over! When I FINALLY make out those words, I wake up!

Well this morning I had one of those dreams while my husband let me sleep in a little. I was in my husband's grandparents' house and a demonic looking woman was standing diagonal on the corner of the dresser screaming at me while I was holding my youngest daughter Sophie. It then jumped down and started running towards me trying to get Sophie. At this point my husband grabbed Sophie and ran out of the house, hoping that this would all stop. Nope, it told me it wanted the baby that I'm carrying and pinned me to the bed. At this point I started trying my best to say "In Jesus' name go away!" It wouldn't come out... Over and over without stopping I repeated this and I just couldn't speak these words. I could yell "HELP!" and other things but for the life of me could not make out these words. When I finally did make out the words, I woke up! I woke up screaming "Help!"

This brings me to a few months ago when I had a dream like this... Sophie was about a month and a half old and my husband was sleeping with Cheyanne because she wasn't feeling too well. Well that night Sophie slept in bed next to me and the dream I had made it so I will never put her in bed with me again. My dream was that Sophie was laying there sleeping and all of a sudden she sat up and in a demonic creepy voice said "Hi Mommy! I'm not really your baby, I'm here to kill you!" and started crawling towards me. During this time, her face completely twisted up, she looked evil. I picked her up and ran to the bathroom (remember this is all a nightmare!) and started smashing her down on the sink over and over until she exploded into a million pieces. Again during this dream I'm trying so hard to say "In Jesus' name go away!" but can't make it out. I finally am able to say it and I wake up! I thank GOD that my baby was still sleeping next to me, so peaceful and untouched. God forbid I actually hurt my baby because one of these dreams! I think God was really looking out for us at that time, putting his hands on my baby so I didn't end up hurting in my sleep. After that, Soph has NEVER slept in bed with me again.

These dreams are so demonic and evil... And they always seem to be at a time where I'm so in touch with God. It scares me to pieces and I don't even know what to do about it. I told my husband it happened again and he thinks I need to start sleeping with a rubber band because I'm always wearing my same clothes and maybe my subconscious will help remind me to snap the band to wake me up... I hope this works.

Besides that dream I've been having nightmares, well more like night terrors. I open my eyes and see things that aren't there (mainly spiders) and completely freak out and start screaming, my husband is trying to turn on a light and calm me down, thinking I'm dying or something... What's wrong with me?!

Intro!

I decided to start a blog because I'm so busy that sometimes I forget what I've done last week! My name is Ashley and I have three wonderful daughters, Alexus, Cheyanne, and Sophie. I married the love of my life on July 7, 2011. We planned on having another baby shortly after we got married and it happened quick! I had a chemical pregnancy and the next month conceived this little Sweet Pea. We are hoping for a boy but will be so happy with a baby girl!

Introducing our Sweet Pea!